Friday, October 31, 2008


ahhhh. hello. im bored, i thought watching the ghost hunters live would tickle my fancy but it just really doesn't. I've been thinking that i really want to go to college now. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore! I could stay in bed all day (like i pretty much did today) and it really wouldn't matter. You know what I really want? more fucking friends around here. I miss my friends=( but like maggie said, "what can you do?". I hope college will have some interesting people. It's actually really hard for me to make friends. I have come to the conclusion that either 1. people just don't like me or they think im a bitch(which im really not). and/or 2. I just don't trust most people. It's hard for me to invite people into my world because they'll probably just end up leaving or go against me and i hate that feeling. But I think I hate being lonely more so... fuck it i guess. I'll just have to harden my shell. But yeah I also have to go job hunting again because things can't frickin be that easy. blahhh i really don't want a job but i really need one. any suggestions? Im probably going to end up quiting every job i get after a week. or not, i guess i've never really had commitment issues. ommm okay, thats all.

motherly love

A conversation that I just had with my mom:

me- mom come here and hug me.
mom- fine. i love you.
me- hahaha oh okay.
mom- i do, with all my heart. now pick up those towels, your such a stupid lazy fucking cunt.
me- ohh mom you do love me.

That was actually a nice moment.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Should I re-live my life
I'd run into you much sooner.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I forgot how well you knew me and how much you're able to cheer me up. You've always been able to cheer me up.

Monday, October 27, 2008

high five

Well, i can't sleep. I was reading an article about finger length (really random, i know) and apparently your fingers can tell a lot about a person. For example, if your a girl and your ring finger is shorter then your index finger and/or if they are the same length, you are more likely to be straight, good at reading and writing, "feminine", getting breast cancer. If you are a girl and your ring finger is longer then your index finger you are more likely to be good at math, science, and sports. Also you are more likely to be gay, left handed, more aggressive, and have autism. For guys it's the opposite, if their ring finger is longer then their index finger they are usually good at reading and writing, and are usually straight [etc.]. This all has to do with the levels of testosterone you have in the womb since testosterone is responsible for the length of your fingers. They have actually linked this to the "gay gene" trying to prove that being gay is through nature, not nurture. So uh.. yeah, there you go. I had waay too much caffeine today and i really cant sleep. So im reading pointless things.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

praise 'em

To keep in mind the line that separates idols
If the world is a dream and nothing is worth it
Unless you have a god
But we won't be saved
We'll live as slaves to love
What God takes away
Let's refill all the holes with mud
"Purchase your tickets; I'm kicking your crosses down".

Stys suck

True life: i have the biggest Fing sty in my eye=(. it hurts like the dickens it does. =(=(=(. i hate it i hate it. I thought i got rid of it yesterday but i woke up this morning and i couldn't open my eye it was so swollen. gahhh. i was going to go get my license picture tomorrow too. I look like i have ptosis. But on a more positive note my mom got me diet mountain dew=]. mmm. im actually drinking one right now. 3rd one today and i've only been up for an hour. Oh and im pisseddd! justin got called in to work today! i have been waiting for fucking yankee candle or old navy to call me for two weeks now! justin waited two days. grrr. well, im not that that pissed. i really don't want to work i just want money. i suppose im going to have to work a couple more days for my dad. i have $10 to my name and i need gas. Justin ended up seeing Saw V last night with Jon and Vanessa and now Justin thinks that he might actually like Vanessa. I want Brianna! Fuck Vanessa!>:O! The thing is, Vanessa is actually a nice girl but she's no Brianna. I just can't see why Jon left Bri for her. Oh well, its his life and i would never put Vanessa down in front of him. you know... i think i like Bri more then i like my own brother =x.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


Let me just start this off with this : maggie I totally hung up on you when you called. It's not what you think! your still the love of my life! you see i was in a movie and it was getting to the good parts. i had planned on calling you back but i didn't expect the movie to be that long and i thought you might be sleeping. in conclusion, im sorry pooper. But yeah Camille(the love of my life), Justin and i saw W. It made me see Bush differently. I still think he is a shitty ass president who drove our economy into the ground but the movie makes you feel kind of bad for him. He really is just an average guy who never should have became president. There were these two girls in the movie theater who i loooved. they were so loud and commented on pretty much everything. then they dropped a can and it scared the shit out of Justin which made me happy. also when we were all walking to the movies this little girl stared at Camille and was all like "hey i know you", but Camille had no idea who this girl was and Justin found this to be hilarious and spit his coffee everywhere laughing. Camille is probably this secrete disney channel star and all of the little girls love her. --The little girl came out of the movie theater after seeing high school musical and recognized Camille as being the wildcats head cheerleader.-- That's what really happened. mm that's sexy.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

9 crimes

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
And is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
That alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright, yeah, with you?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Alright, this I found to be fucking hilarious! The other night Justin and I were having a very "serious" conversation.
Justin - " I use to call becca by the wrong name. It was a name that sounded like Rebecca."
me- " hmm well lets list off girls names that start with R."

soo we went on listing all of the "R" names and we some how ended up with "Wicktoria" and "Wanessa".

me - "Justin I think you mean Victoria and Vanessa. And those don't start with R. How about Rita!?"
Justin - " Noo, and besides Rita starts with a W. You know like wreading."
me - "writing?"

Ahahahhah I was crying I was laughing so hard. okay so we were clearing intoxicated but that just made it even more hilarious. He was trying to sound so smart and he believed everything that he was saying and defended himself when you tried to correct him. But in the end we were both screaming laughing. It was one of those "you had to be there" moments I think.

sweet and low

Today while I was looking for this so called "anti-drug", I had an epiphany. There is only one person in this world that I know of who would completely agree with it. I just got off the phone with her and I must say I envy her heart. It's perfect for this stupid epiphany that I had. I feel like for once in my life I'm sure of something. Although I really wish I wasn't so sure of it, it's not really something i want, more like something I need to come to terms with. I never should have let my guard down.

Sunday, October 19, 2008


woooah FEmotions, calm down.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I finally sent out my applications to yankee candle and (blahk) old navy. I figure though, if I don't get the job at yankee candle I'll probably just end up working at weathervane with Justin. Tomorrow I plan on going and picking my classes for the winter. See I'm ttrrying to go in the right direction. I guess it's really not that hard. ohhh and Sarah Silverman is on tonight=]=]=]. She really makes me happy. I love her life. Oh and this is for Maggie: Justin and I are thinking about applying to Farmington. I might transfer next Fall and Justin wants to go in the Winter. But I'm not promising anything, Justin and I were just discussing it and I thought it would be ammazing. We miss the Magster=(.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Cath, she stands with a well-intentioned man
But she can't relax with his hand on the small of her back
And as the flashbulbs burst
She holds a smile like someone would hold a crying child
And soon everybody will ask what became of you
'Cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn't know what to do
Cath, it seems that you live in someone else's dream
In a hand-me-down wedding dress
Where the things that could have been are repressed

daydreaming beats realitys ass.

For as long as I can remember I have always spent at least half of my days daydreaming. This probably isn't a good thing because I usually daydream about real life situations. I take something horrible (or something that I would only find to be horrible) and turn it into something that would somehow benefit me, although really that would never be the case. Well today i really didn't daydream at all, instead i was in "realityland". That land fucking sucks. I'm grateful for what I have but I don't feel like it's enough (I mean that in the least selfish way possible). Daydreaming has always made me feel like things are better then they really are. Reality just makes me feel like shit. And the thing is I know exactly what I need to do to fix it and yet I don't. I don't get it. Well there's always suppression. I can pretty much guarantee that by tomorrow I'll feel fine.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


Right now I have this very overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and happiness. I had a very surprising conversation with Celina the other day and it really just was a relief I guess would be the word. In some ways it kind of gave me hope (for lack of a better word), I don't know. Talking to her brought up a lot of things about the past and it really made me realize how much I have changed. I really never gave a shit about anyone, and now I'm always wondering if I have let anyone close to me down or if there is anything I can do to make them feel better or to take some stress off their hands. I don't know, I think the big problem that I have with other people (oddly especially my parents) is that they sometimes expect certain things from me and I really hate disappointing them when I just can't do it. I also hate thinking that people, even the ones that love me, won't except me or some of the choices that I have made. For a person that is feeling happy I'm sure talking a lot about things that I hate. Well anyways I saw Edgar today for the first time in forever. I couldn't talk to him one on one (although we both really wanted to) and i couldn't touch him because of his church rules. But other then that it was really nice to see him. He can always make me laugh. After that I went out with Justin and we just had an hilarious time, which is good because I've really been stressing about the whole college/job issue. I think once I actually get a life I'll be able to enjoy life a lot more. Not having an actual plan is getting scary. I'm really trying to work on my lack of ambition problem.

Friday, October 10, 2008

mom, run, yum, ha.

So my mother has been a crazy as usual and she has gotten up early everyday and has been disappearing for hours on end. yesterday she came home at like 1 in the morning. what a crazy. but anyways it has been good because now justin and i dont have to listen to her bitch. Today we woke up and went for a walk/run at vaughan woods and it was amazing. Plus the weather is perfect.=] i love perfect weather. i also love jumping around in crunchy leafs. ahh so far today has been really good. and hopefully i get to see my maggie tonight. i know later today im going out for burritos with wendy and her new (but not as cool) friends. so yay, i love burritos. I keep thinking of this conversation that i had earlier and it is just making me laugh inside. its very humorous to me. thats really all i can say. before i wasn't exactly sure if the move here was for the better but now i am (HIV) positive it was. haha oh god, i love people sometimes.

Thursday, October 9, 2008


I kissed your mouth
You do not need me.

Monday, October 6, 2008

The Trip

Last week Camille and I took a little trip up to Canada to pick up Justin and bring him home. Surprisingly we didn't get lost once. Our parents were all anticipating a phone call from us telling them to either come and get us or to figure out where the hell we were but we were good. We stopped off in Vermont and figured out where all of the sexies have been hiding. When we got to Canada we realized that we had booked a hotel in the creepiest part of Montreal. But you know, that is just fine because i love ghetto. The hotel itself was actually respectable for $69 a night. The trip was really just stress free, we woke up everyday and just did what we felt like doing. I also got to prove to Camille and Justin just how much of a light weight I am. That night wasn't very fun for me. I woke up with bruised knuckles, apparently i hit a floor. Justin was driving back from Canada and we had to stop and get gas about an hour and a half into the trip. He decided that we should use my dad's credit card to fill the tank. I thought that was a good idea since we had used up a great deal of our cash. Well my very forgetful brother left the credit card at the gas station and we drove off. Who ever needed gas after us was a mother fucker and spent over $2,000 on the card, on what i don't know. Calling my parents and explaining to them that they had to cancel the card was... difficult. Saying that my mother is a bitch is an understatement. I honestly don't think I have ever met a bigger bitch than my mother. But anyways the credit card thing was resolved and everything is good. Justin is home which i am happy about=]. I missed my brother. Although since he has been back he hasn't really been home. I don't blame him.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

you know.

"in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose"