our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’,
someone told me not to cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zdNdjF-htY

If things don't change I'm going to lose it.

I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself
I used to know this boy
Who took notes in a book
But he ripped out all the pages
Before I got a look
At all the words he scribbled
At all the lines he filled
But the ink stains on his fingers
Told me he was skilled
At capturing a feeling
That most of us just miss
The simple pain of living
With goodbyes on our lips

.

I will not bow, I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away
And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold blooded, fake
I will shut the world away

ohmyheart

i want to sleep next to you. i want to spoon you and kiss the back of your neck 'cause the back of your neck smells amazing, always. i want to wake you up in the middle of the night after i go pee and squeeze you tight and watch you smile sleepily and fit your body against mine.

Camille asked me to be mean.

Camille, you're a poophead! >:O.




... not really. I love you. :)

You are the one,
I've been waiting for today
Here comes the sun,
Its been baiting morn' today
Lately I've lost my tongue
Today you found my song
I know not long has grown
I thank God you came along
You are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun,
Its been baiting morn' today
You looked right through me,
There was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself today
Today

bad luck

This month already sucks ass. First I got a $70 ticket for my registration and now i have to pay over $100 to get my car registered. Yes on 1 passed yesterday and I want to kill someone. What the fuck. One step forward, two steps back, always. I have a chemistry test today and I don't even know what the hell is going on. I hate chemistry and if i fail, I mine as well change my major.

I don't feel the same. It's not so much a bad thing. I feel more independent which has a hint of me feeling alone. I'm in control of my own life (or at least I'm supposed to be) but thing's can't really be controlled.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.

You love me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

For the most part, I know what I have when I have it. I don't think many people do.

The future freaks me out.

"I am not confident.
I know I am smart, but not in the ways that count.
I read people much better than books but I never have the words to explain my findings.
I'm only as funny as I feel.
I think horrible things about people and I let my emotions get the best of me.
I'm really not as nice as I'd like to be.
Or as innocent as you'd think I am.
I am a perfectionist.
I am a contradiction to everything I want to stand for.
I'm a big dreamer with little motivation.
I am really no good at all, on my own.
But I am analytical with myself.
And I don't understand how anyone could ever be cocky or proud when they are aware of all the disgusting things that they think and do, but no one knows.
We're all broken enough to be humble."

"Hard now to picture a me without a you."

The seasons have changed and so have we

I like you and us and coffee and my cat.

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours

"is it 'cause your fruity puffs give you more sex than i do?"

I know that you don't see it.

How easy it would be to give up right now.

Even knowing that you know, I can't tell you and I don't know why.

There ain't nothin' right, there ain't nothin' wrong.

move

I haven't done this in a while. Well, I'm not working at OshKosh anymore which means I need to get a new job. Though they paid me shit, I miss working at OshKosh more than I should. I'm dreading having to find a new job and the longer I wait, the scarier it is. I moved into the apartment last week. Today I finally felt homesick. It's only been a week and I already miss my life in South Berwick. Things were finally looking up there. I was doing well in school, I had a job, my mom stopped screaming at me, and I was happy. I knew there were places I could escape to there. I feel like I'm being forced to start over again. I'm just afraid in going to fuck things up. I haven't left the apartment in three days. I think I'm just stalling. I want to put everything on pause for a while.Time just keeps flying by. I'm stuck.

I'm not really unhappy here. I think I'm just scared and excited to see what's in the future. I just have to find my place and adjust. I love living with Justin again. He and Camille have made moving here a lot easier. Them being here makes this place feel like home. I'm comfortable here. Camille, I'm not used to you being so far away when you're at home. I hate not being able to drive 5 minutes down the road to see you. I'm greedy, I want you here.

My parents are coming over tomorrow for an early dinner. I feel like I have to clean every inch of this apartment because god forbid my mother finds any dust or dirt anywhere. I just don't want her to be disappointed in me because "I'm not taking care of Justin properly" and keeping the place clean. They're bringing Rawry. I miss that spoiled imp of a cat. I promised my dad that if I honestly feel she isn't doing well here I'll bring her back. I'll keep that promise though it would be tremendously hard to let her go. That's my baby.

spooked

I have a haunted phone that calls Camille when I'm not looking...

She is sex

http://bumpshack.com/2009/07/31/shakira-%E2%80%98she-wolf%E2%80%99-official-music-video/

The video's sexy (the cage parts:) ). The song is catchy.

"Oh you know how it is. Me and my strap-on." aahahahahah

:) There's a vibrator named GiGi.

fortune cookie

Our life is the creation of our mind.

I always come to the same conclusion.

Stress is going to kill me.

time

For some reason this kind of upset me today. I was looking through an old friends new pictures and I kept thinking "why am I not there?" And I realized that we really have nothing in common anymore. Still, I wanted to be there. It's not them who have changed, it's entirely me. Sometimes I miss the way I used to be and doing the things I used to do, but I know that would have gotten me nowhere fast. It was fun.

Lior

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Pa1bdsjaxU&NR=1

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame.

Sia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lB_M17wXGY


Moon

White Mystery

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aim62BWz48c

Minus the Bear

:) Sex...y.

Hospital

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwsBzKtS-fU

Lydia

(I have this song in my friggen head all the time. It's not even that good.)

Pale Blue Dot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJqIOiwZZTA

The Receiving End of Sirens.

Freezepop

The stars were bright, the water clear
I felt your heat as you swam near
I held my breath, you held my hand
Moving away, further from land
The moon was full, everything blue
The water stilled, reflecting you
Floating right here with you next to me
Gazing at stars, we drift silently
Late at night, the air was cool
We snuck into the swimming pool
I went under and you followed
Let's not think about tomorrow

The Unconscious

"In one of his lectures, Freud introduced the concept of the unconscious by describing a patient who felt irresistibly compelled to hurry into a nearby room, stand by a certain table, and summon the parlor maid. She would then dismiss the maid but would soon feel compelled to repeat the sequence. The meaning of the ritual was a complete mystery to her and very distressing. Then one day she spontaneously understood it.
She was separated from her husband, with whom she had lived only briefly. On her wedding night her husband had been impotent. Through the course of the night he had repeatedly hurried from his room into hers, attempted intercourse, and failed. The next morning he had poured red ink on the bed so that the maid would believe his bride had been deflowered. However, he hurriedly positioned the spot of ink in such a way that his stratagem was defeated.
Since the separation this woman had lived celibate and alone, her life crippled by obsessive rituals, thinking of her husband with exaggerated respect and admiration. She told Freud there was a stain on the cloth covering the table by which she stood when summoning the maid. She stood in such a way as to be sure the maid would see it.
The woman had unconsciously designed the ritual to save her husband from humiliation by symbolically showing the maid the hymenal spot on the sheet."

Michael Kahn - Primary process

"Primary process operates without regard for reality. This implies a strange kind of logic. There is no concept of mutual contradiction or mutual exclusion. 'I expect you to love me after I've insulted you.' The laws of reality and logic being so loose, strange association's can exist: I love and fear my father. I am conscious of the love but the fear is unconscious. A horse is a large, intimidating figure like my father. I'm not consciously afraid of my father but rather of the horse. Primary process is timeless. It recognizes no past and no future. If something was dangerous 20 years ago, it is still dangerous. If I am suffering now, I will always suffer. If, long ago, I was afraid my parents would punish me for bad thoughts and bad acts, the fear of that punishment remains in full force even after my parents are long dead. In the realm of primary process there is no distinction between fantasy and reality, between wish and action. If I want my father dead I might be as guilty as if I had killed him. Should he actually die from some totally unrelated cause, I am convinced I killed him, and the guilt is severe."


The mind is just... baffling. The primary process is apart of the unconscious mind. A person should take the steps to push it into their conscious mind where it may become part of the secondary process. The secondary process describes the familiar world of logic. Events occur in an orderly sequence. What's past is past and what's future has not yet come. It is the world of cause and effect.

The primary process isn't necessarily bad. The realm of primary process contains the raw material for our poetry, our creativity, and our playfulness. A world of pure secondary process most like a sterile world. Freud taught that the artist is one who can explore the realm of the primary process and then make an artistic unity out of what is found there. He might have added that the same applies to the passionate lover and the imaginative companion.

Oh jesus, there's sun today! Praise 'em!

what summer?

I'm getting so sick of this weather :(. It's making me sad. Yesterdays thunderstorm was pretty kick ass though. I love lightning. I also got a burrito and I made a smoothie so that cheered me up. I miss summer. I want to go outside wearing nothing and not shiver my ass off. It's hard to be a hooker in the summer when you have to wear a jacket.

"that's because you're a dog of many horns, lover jillian."

aahahahaha

"what the hell. is this what happens when you get naked and i don't come over? you just marry things? jesus christ."

Strange Fact

Whenever I'm the passenger in someones car and I look at the power lines as we're driving, I imagine a skateboarder grinding them. I've done this for as long as I can remember. Weird.

Big Step

I'm afraid.

lame

I really hate being sick. I hate hate hate runny noses. boo. Is anyone even sick? Where the hell did I get this?

RS

And the genius next door was sleeping,
dreaming that the antidote was orgasm.

Great song

I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it.

Come mere.

O

"I've been waiting so long to be where I'm going."

When all we want is to be enough.
When all we want is to feel enough.

shit day

Today was honestly one of the worst days I've had in a while. It never ended. I'm so sick of the same shit hitting me over and over again. I really don't see tomorrow looking any better. I want to start over.

I hate biting my tongue...

My name's not Carl. Not with a C or a K. Pooper.

.

Of all the intersecting lines in the sand,
I routed a labyrinth to your lap.
I never used a map sliding off the land,
on an incidental tide.
And along the way you know, they tried.
They tried.
And we got sea legs.
And we're off tonight.
Can I have that to which they've no right?

.

So I've been sleeping with this silence in my mind.
All I see scares me.
And no one knows it, but she, she saved me.
So I've been sleeping with this silence in my brain.
I wake up here everyday in this god damn place.
I won't wait here anymore.

ahaha

But G I N G E R 's don't have souls so they can't be pirates, get it out of here.

Sex in public places (church) = fetish. Very nice.

.

I don't know what I want anymore. Everything is getting to me and I really just want to give up. Fuck, why does everything have to be a god damn struggle.

<3

Just give me candy after my hug.

.

Suddenly, a cloud must have cut a hole in my head,
when i was tangled all in your words.
How quick to forget who we are.
With eyes unimpressed,
you're sealing the conversations.
And are you wondering how things could be
Just staring at the surface.
When all the walls have tendencies.
But it's not your fault when no one taught you how.
And now the one you once loved is leaving.

And if I've said it a hundred times before,
expect a thousand more.

Tickling me while in battle is a cheap shot! >:O

For Camille

5 facts on locks and keys.

1) The Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks are credited with inventing the oldest known type of locks.

2) Here are six types of keys: bit, barrel, flat, corrugated, tubular lock, and cylinder.

3) The corbin key has a bitting cut at 20-degree angles.

4) Locks are named after their uses, appearances, major security features, installation method, internal construction, technology or manufacturer. Examples include the trailer lock, bicycle lock, interlocking dead lock, deadbolt lock, and the rim lock (I laughed at that one... rim. ha.)

5) The Master keying pin tumbler locks means a combination other than the change key will raise the pins to the shear line.
Example:

• Since there are three grooves in the master key, five master pins are needed in order for the key to turn.

To put it plainly, some things are hard to take in. More so when they're true and make perfect sense. I just don't want to hear it, partially because I don't want to believe it.

.

If she only knew just how sorry I was

:)

... but i want it...

mood I deny

I need help from people who can't help me. I'm tired of wondering what's next and being so uncertain. I'm not powerless but it sure as hell feels like it.

lame

It figures, I start making money and I can't spend it. Fantastic.

My mind's not a well;
It won't run dry.
Just keep drinking water and you'll be alright.

CS

Your rational mind's insane
You taste the sound you make
When the light from the sun
It's the story that never gets sold
The light from the sun, it is your mother.
Attache means identity
Erases things so why should we?

my life

"You are just so gay. SO gay"
"I know... I know..."

hahahaha

summer begins

So today is my last day of school and though I'm excited, I'm a little sad at the same time. I liked my classes this year. Well, not so much history. That class took a lot out of me and there was a huge creeper in it. I think I'll miss my psychology class the most. Everyone in there was a huge character. The class was just really funny and entertaining. Although I'm done with this semester, it seems as if my to-do list has grown. In place of school I'm going to be working. Then I'm taking an art class over the summer which everyone has told me is a bitch. Great. On top of that I have to move to Biddeford. The original plan of me moving in with Justin is ruined due to a stupid skank whore. So now I have to actually get a place. I also have to worry about getting into USM. Oh and at the moment I am without a car due to the fact that my brakes are completely gone. I was driving a death car. Super. I'm still hopeful though that everything is going to fall into place. I just have to keep on truckin' (wow, i can't believe i just said "truckin'" that's sexy).

Hey remember that time we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth.

thinking

So much has happened in the last year. I like it.

That gay marriage bill better pass in Maine. I want to know if it did! We were supposed to know by 8 but no one is saying anything. If someone wants to get married, let them get married. Who cares? Whatever makes you happy. What's the worst that could happen? Two same sex people get married. Oh no.

call the plumber

I still don't know how you did that. :)

...

I got three hours of sleep because my cunt of a mother woke me up at 5:30 to tell me what a failure I've become. I really can't fucking handle all of this anymore.

Absolutely nothing is in my control anymore. My heart feels like its going to beat out of my chest.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave with you.

You cool your bed-warm hands down
On the broken radiator
And when you lay them freezing on me
I mumble "Can you wake me later?"
But I don't really want you to stop
And you know it so it doesn't stop you

*

"I love you, adore you, cherish you, whatever, take your pick."<3

I excel when it comes to procrastination.

time for tea

damn it all

All I want to do for the next two weeks is curl up into a ball and wish for the days to go by faster. Oh and also hope for the best. I'm so happy for school to be ending but, fuck, it's stressful making sure everything is in, your grades are up, your final paper is well written, you've studied for the final exams... I hate dealing with stress:(. I hate presenting in front of a class full of horny creepers. damn it, two weeks, two weeks, two weeks... ahh and now i have to worry about transferring to USM. Do you know what I hate? When your mind races right before you want to fall asleep. This only happens every once and a while and I freakin' hate it. Okay, I also hate complaining and it seems I have done a pretty good job at that in this. I'm done.

Psych

"We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are."

"I have learned to accept my mistakes by referring them to a personal history which was not of my making."

"I do not believe that I am now dreaming, but I cannot prove that I am not."

"Who in the rainbow can draw the line where the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors but where exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? So with sanity and insanity?"

"Sleep is like love or happiness. If you pursue it too ardently it will elude you."

"The heart has its reasons which reason does not know."

"Anger carries the mind away." (Virgil)

great show

Jack talking to Karen about her dead husband whom she "just talked to"-

"Oh my god what did he say? What does heaven look like? Do they let gay people in? No Wait! I want to be surprised!"

aahaha I died, I love him.

"She keeps me strong and sane while driving me crazy all at the same time."
"Sounds like you're in love."

aahaha

me - "yeah, but does it look bad on her?"

justin - "mmm it takes some getting use to..."

pale blue dot

I watched my guilt blossom before me
Like a tender shoot
With thirsty roots
O' how my garden grows
The shameful seeds I've sown
I watched its stems sprawl above me
Its dark shadow cast its cloud around me
But I can live with it
I'll live in it
There's no place like home
Sticks and stones won't break my bones
It's the branches and boulders I shoulder
I can live with it

mother dearest

It's gotten to the point where I can truly say that I hate my mother. She always makes me feel horrible for everything that I do and for what and who I am. I've completely given up on her. I want to move so far away from that psychotic bitch. She is so ignorant and naive, she constantly thinks she knows what's best for everyone. I never thought that I had to really prove myself to her. She's my mom, mothers should accept their children and support them, not make them feel like a second class piece of shit. Everything is really getting to me lately. I'm finding it harder and harder to distract myself from the things that upset me. I'm trapped and I'm going insane here.

hmf

Lately I have been overcome with jealousy. This is my absolute least favorite feeling. I cringe at the thought of jealousy, it's disgusting. To top it all off, the one person who I'm feeling the most jealousy towards is my own twin. This is the first time I've ever truly been jealous of him. I'm so proud of him, but it's the things that I'm proud of him for that are making me so envious. Usually when someone makes me jealous I push them away completely saying, "How dare you make me jealous! Fuck you, I don't need you." But I can't imagine doing that to Justin, I need him. So here I am filled with this emotion that I can't stand and I can't take it out on anyone so I'm left with the numerous anxiety attacks and stomach aches. Jealousy makes me extremely angry and I've been trying so hard for the past couple of weeks to hold it in. My nerves are so raddled, it's insane. It's entirely all in my head and I know this. I just need to get over myself.

feels like a sunday

Today seems to be going by extremely slow. I woke up about two hours ago and it feels like I've been awake for hours and hours. Maybe it's because I know I have nothing planned for the day. Or maybe it's because I'm doing homework. Good lord I'm bored...

noon at the moon

brother for sale

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW56UrYb_LI

I use to sing this to Justin when we were little and he would get so upset. hahaha. It's really retarded.

*
And her fingers, like spiders,
Spun a web my body couldn't shed.

*
My pulse reverberates through this malleable shell,
With scars from shaping.

sit sit!

movie and jokes

Last night Camille, Justin and I went to see A Haunting in Connecticut after being nuisances at Barnes and Noble. We actually snuck into the movie since you know, it was Free Movie Tuesday and all. The movie itself was pretty good, I'd give it a B-/B. There were a couple of parts where we all jumped and laughed at ourselves for doing so. Paranormal shit is amazing, I love learning about it. It's just so strange and interesting and you're always left with a big ? . Fabulous.

Yesterday I skipped school for the first time. But it was so that I could do school work which is terribly lame. I got a lot done though... yeah!

Happy April Fools Day, Bitches! I have to think of a good one to pull on my mom. She's always fun to prank on April Fools Day because she's so freaking gullible. I'll probably sit her down and tell her that I'm pregnant and she'll be left with the same expression I have when learning about paranormal stuff, ?. This should be fun.

:)

06

I've been slipping through the years
And my old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts of the people I've been

spring

mmm spring is coming.

you make me melt

Artist of the week i think.

yep

http://www.runeguneriussen.no/galleri/kaffe/01kaffekopp.html

My lord, I love this guy. Look at these amazing coffee pictures from start to finish. mmm i didn't see that coming. ha.

rune guneriussen

Of course everyone goes crazy
Over such and such and such
We made ourselves a pillar
We just used it as a crutch
We were certainly uncertain
At least I'm pretty sure I am

And I want to know my fate
If I keep up this way
And it's hard to want to stay awake
When everyone you meet
They all seem to be asleep
And you wonder if you're missing your dream

you make me smile.

twin day

Yesterday, Justin and I had a "twin day". It consisted of us going to a Chinese buffet and eating until our stomachs hurt so much, we couldn't sit up for thirty minutes. After we could walk our fat asses out the door and into the car, we went to his apartment and watched House for a couple hours. Then we went to Hannaford. We totally got more food and ate two huge donuts for dinner. All in all it was a pretty good day. I may have grown an extra ass but hey, it's sexy. I woke up around 9 and no one was up. I decided to start my history presentation until Justin got up. Around 12 he was up and left me to go do what he does best. This brings us to right now, I'm waiting for him to come home from picking his roommate up and we're all going to the art museum in Portland. I kind of just want to go home right now. I woke up in a really down mood and I'm not up for people's bullshit. I'm trapped here:(. I like spending time with my brother but I haven't seen him really at all today. I'm so bored and cranky. And my armpit hurts... We better have fun today or I'm beating someone up.

papa wop

My dad just bitched out my mom and actually left her speechless. Way to go dad for finally standing up for yourself.

my mom is a psychotic bitch.

ihsitbsomc (<- that stands for something that only i know... i just made it up)

As of right now, life is pretty good (knock on wood). I got that job, school is okay, and my stress levels are rather low. Oh and ehh "you're okay". :)<3<3 I'm so exhausted. So goodnight and I love your face, among other things. Wow I've reached the point of dizzying sleepiness. It's rather fun. I've been up forever and I didn't get much sleep last night. I don't know why I'm still typing. Okay.

"I can't hear you, it's too dark in here!"

job?

I have a job interview with oshkosh b'gosh tomorrow. Friggen sweet... it shouldn't be too bad, the people who work there are nice and I would rather deal with kids than whiny teens. I need to start saving up for the move to Portland. I need to start saving up period. I have $20 to my name... that's really bad. I'm going to be 19, it's about time I start earning some moolah.

I love you.

:)

It is so nice out right now. I actually woke up to birds chirping. I'm pretending it's summer until I have to step outside.

terry

aahahaha
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=84639&title=pubi-terry

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=168906&title=terry-time

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=172296&title=terrys-new-car

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=72218&title=freedom-tacos

sleep

So last night Justin came home. I fell asleep in his room and he fell asleep in mine? I really don't know why.

Don't know why i found this funny.

blah

My moods have been very bipolar lately. One minute I'm completely stressed out over getting a job, school work, school work, more school work, Vanessa moving in, and then the next I'm completely care-free. I want so badly to just give up, to say fuck you to school and to everything that is stressing me out. But I've done that in the past and that in turn just causes more stress. I keep telling myself that there's only two more months of school and that everything is going to be better. However, when I finally am out of school I have to worry about getting an apartment and another job up near Portland. Growing up kind of sucks... I really want to just skip the next five years. Then again, that would be a waste of youth.

Going through the motions
Tell me how come no one gets what they really want
And love only when it's convenient
We act like we know more than we know
We treat love like it's something you owe

.

I feel like I can't rely on much these days... Everything is changing, or at least it's going to.

z

Every time I write something that I don't want to write, I unconsciously pull off my z key. I'm in the middle of writing my Auschwitz research paper and I can't get my z key back on. This really sucks because I have to go back and put in all the z's that I've missed. Just ehh. There are a lot of z's that you have to use when talking about the holocaust; AuschwitZ, NaZi, stariliZations, you get the point. Tedious.

ha poem

When I start to come down, you lift me back up
And it’s always a surprise, although it really isn’t.
As I approach that dark place I feel you pull me back
Back into the light where I don’t want to be.
Oh how I hate you, Guard Hand.
And when it touches you, it sticks to you like glue
Squeezing tighter as you struggle to make your way back down.
If you could say but one word
I imagine it would be “NO”.
Oh how I hate you, Guard Hand.
Stay persistent, maybe this time you’ll get through!
Maybe it’s not watching!
Maybe… “NO”.
Damn you, Guard Hand.
Feeling defeated
You laugh at my expense.
Oh how I do love you.
But god damn you, Guard Hand.

errf

>:O My dad let Rawry out of the house and i just spent 2 hours trying to get her in the fucking rain. I crawled under my deck through fucking mud and snow. ahh I'm so pissed! its 5am and i haven't gone to bed yet. what the hell dad. it's all because he wanted a fucking cigarette. I really hate fucking smoking, it's gross. This would be the second time I hit a cat this week.

there's a poem coming soon to this blog. My head is all jumbled so I'm going to write it when I'm at my full potential. watch out.

yes

midterm

So I just took a brutally hard history midterm and I'm feeling not so great about it. So to get my spirits back up, I'm drinking a whole pot of coffee, cans upon cans of mountain dew, and I currently have extra fudgey brownies in the oven. That oughta do it. Also, all i have to worry about doing this "spring break" is my two research papers and a project/presentation. I figure I'll set aside a couple of days for that. mmm that's all for now.

If I'm so sure, why can't I say it aloud? Why is it when a stranger asks me, my heart races and I say nothing? I feel like a hypocrite. I have this huge fear inside of me and I don't know what to do with it. Even now I can't write what I really mean. Fuck. Ah I'm so annoyed, I have no patience with myself.

snookums

"Some people smoke after, we hit cats... That's normal, right?"

spoon me

small things

Justin is "quietly" playing his piano in his room. I've missed yelling at him to turn it down.

I stay up nights
Until stars leave the sky
Knowing what my dreams can take away

I held my breath, you held my hand.

aahahah sarah silverman

oh my god! she's so young! and this I found to be hilarious. I liked this stand up a lot more than her newer stuff. "yikes, wow that's really neat." aahah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEb-sXmcMLE


this was funny too. well at least I thought so:).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lre1WFDefNQ&feature=channel

BeatFreakz

Justin and I have been watch ABDC like all day and we've decided that these two are our favorite dances. the first one you have to scroll down and you'll see that you can play a video. the second one is pretty straight forward. We like the BeatFreakz B).

http://www.missomnimedia.com/2009/02/freak-the-vote-beat-freaks-x-katy-perry-hot-and-cold-remix/


http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/337135/beat-freaks.jhtml

They're friggen fierce.

mmm okay.

My psychology teachers advice to the class:
"Life happens. Things change. Learn to adapt. Don't complain."

do you have a ticket?

"I thought it was free movie Tuesday?!?"

haha

"I'm totally taking off my shoes when I get into the theater." "Word."

Tell me who's that you move for

The truth is vile, but vital to this cause
I've been held hostage;
A captive of this passive shell
Give me gravity, give me clarity,
Give me something to rely on
We're all puppets
Tell me who's pulling the strings

-

I really don't know what I'm doing or what I want anymore. I don't think I've ever been so confused. This sucks.

It's like my heart can't be tamed
And I fall in love everyday

Come and see me
Sing me to sleep

coffee is love

a Taylor Swift fan

"... that's the only time I can remember talking to a spider... Oh wait! there was this one time..." ahahahahahahhahaha<3<3<3

Dream

okay, I had a dream last night that I was driving my car and my brakes stopped working and I crashed into another car. Then I was riding a bike and all of a sudden someone came up and tore it apart and stole it. Then the batteries out of my laptop got stolen (what? random) . Oh and there were some dogs in there. I forget where though, they arrived after the car accident. Soo I want to analyze this because well... what the fuck is wrong with my head here. This dream was really crazy, I know it might not sound like it but it was insane.

Car accident
To dream of a car accident, symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears. Are you "driving" yourself too hard? This dream may tell you to slow down before you hit disaster. You need to rethink or re-plan your course of actions and set yourself on a better path.
~I guess what this could mean is that I began taking another class and I feel like it's just too much. I know that I can't take on another load of homework and work in general and I'm afraid that I may not be able to drop the class. So yeah, I'm a bit stressed over it.

Bicycle
To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own.
~hmm well this is what I'm always stressing about. Balance. I think I have a pretty good balance right now but I'm going to start working soon and I'm afraid it's going to throw it all off.

theft
To dream that you are a witness to a theft or a victim of theft, indicates that others are wasting your time and stealing energy and ideas. Perhaps you feel robbed in some way.
~ well, a lot of people waste my time. Like my mom. And teachers. I feel robbed of my precious time. haha yeah I don't know.

Battery
To see a battery in your dream, symbolizes life energy. If the battery is dead, then it suggests that you are emotionally exhausted or feeling low.
~ hmm well since my batteries were stolen, maybe I feel like someone is draining me and taking my energy away. I'm guessing this is another school and work thing.

Dog
To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. Alternatively, it indicates a skill that you have ignored or forgotten. If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it signifies some inner conflict within yourself. It may indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness.
~well, some of the dogs were really nice and I took care of them while others were just mean and grrring and shit. Soo... haha it's kind of contradicting it's self. I guess the people closest to me do protect me in a way and I know I can trust them. Although I'm struggling/ having some issues with school and getting a job, I know that I can work through it to be successful. I guess for forgotten skills, art? And as for inner conflict, I always have inner conflict. I loove it. In a way my mom kind of betrayed me and I really don't trust her.

interesting...?

dear jay-suz.

tip yo waitress.

money

I neeed a job so hard. I mean I really really neeed a job. I'm sick of filling out applications and passing them in only to find that hey, their not hiring. BS. I'm devoting this week to job hunting. I need to start saving money so that I can move near USM. Buut, I don't want to get a job and then see my grades slip. I need to get into USM and I can't really do that if my grades are shit. I'm soo frickin sick of not being able to pay for things. I hate not having money and the little money that I do get has to go right into my car. Alright so job hunting. I'm really tired of saying that I'm getting a job and then I don't. I want to slap myself every time I do it. I hate hate hate relying on people. I want to be independent. I really don't have a choice anymore, I haaave to work. No one (my parents) is handing me money anymore (which I totally understand. my parents just kind of cut me off completely all of a sudden. I really don't ask for much from them. I'm the least of their financial problems.) blah, money stresses me out so much. It's constantly on my mind, "am i going to have enough gas to make it to school","i'm almost out of shampoo, lotion, makeup, frickin everything". I hate feeling needy. I'm not needy. I know I can do things myself, It's just getting there where I need a little push. (wow, I used "I" a lot in this. I must love myself).

coffee order

" I'll have one Mocha Choca lata ya ya please with equal"

sex

"I wanna ride you like a merry-go-round horse." It's true.

it's cold

"rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"
"fuck, why do i always lose?"
"because, you're always rock."

ha ha. yeah....

okay, I'm so done with winter. i want summer damn it!
I love having the AC on and not worrying about anything as you lay in your nice cool room. I miss going outside with no shoes on! I miss all of the green! winter is poopy. and freezing. and theres nothing to do, especially when you don't do anything wintery such as skiing or snowboarding. alrighty then, I'm done complaining.:).

college and other fun stuff.

School is going pretty well surprisingly. I think it's kind of funny how the first homework assignment I got I was all "ahh stress stress stress!". Yeah, I'm over that now. That came from doing nothing for six months. So far, school is extremely easy, it was just a little difficult to really get into the groove of things. I still have no idea what I want to do. I really want to get out of the whole liberal arts major and work towards a real major. Getting an apartment in or near Portland and going to USM next year sounds great right now. That's the plan. Anything to get out of this drama/tension filled house.

"At the end of the day what we all do in some way, shape, or form is about love. Curiosity is love, it's ignorance's nemesis."

http://theenneagram.blogspot.com/2007/08/i-am-going-forth-with-this-tutorial.html

The cold heart will burst
If mistrusted first
And a calm heart will break
When given a shake

motivation. procrastination.

I need someone to push me in the right direction. I mean really push me. I hate being afraid of the things that I need to do. I need a job. I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. If everyone has a purpose in life, what the fuck is mine? My parents are sick of my bullshit and so am I. I don't know why I'm not more motivated. Shouldn't being sick of yourself be motivation enough to change. I find that the only time I actually try to make a difference in my life is when I'm angry. Maybe my mom screaming at me is really a good thing. At least then I want to move out and get away from everything. At least then I want to make money and be successful and throw it in her face. Right now my goals for 2009 is to do well in college and get a job(doing anything! jesus). Also I would really really really love to move out. I don't think that will be happening in 2009 though. I'll work on it. okay. I'm done. beep.

I’m so cool, I’m so cool, I’m so cool

and it was coffee and coffee and coffee and coffee and coffee and coffee some more

And though I ask for help in riddles
It is clearer in my mind
clearer in my mind

But we’re so cool, we’re so cool, we’re so cool

My heart eats beats...
My heart eats love...

Let's study, class, let's study, class, sit down

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

I bet you can't figure out what I'm listening to, eh?
It's a Regina morning. I seem to get her songs stuck in my head the most. catchy.

2009

I'm hoping 2009 will be amazing. I am very optimistic about it, you see, Camille and I were eating some candy and I got a bag of gummies that was completely filled. None of the other bags were like that... it's a sign. A sign that I will have a good, lucky year. Or maybe it's a sign that I'm going to gain 384740935 pounds and I'm going to have to work at sea world as a whale. hmm...