Cath

Cath, she stands with a well-intentioned man
But she can't relax with his hand on the small of her back
And as the flashbulbs burst
She holds a smile like someone would hold a crying child
And soon everybody will ask what became of you
'Cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn't know what to do
Cath, it seems that you live in someone else's dream
In a hand-me-down wedding dress
Where the things that could have been are repressed

daydreaming beats realitys ass.

For as long as I can remember I have always spent at least half of my days daydreaming. This probably isn't a good thing because I usually daydream about real life situations. I take something horrible (or something that I would only find to be horrible) and turn it into something that would somehow benefit me, although really that would never be the case. Well today i really didn't daydream at all, instead i was in "realityland". That land fucking sucks. I'm grateful for what I have but I don't feel like it's enough (I mean that in the least selfish way possible). Daydreaming has always made me feel like things are better then they really are. Reality just makes me feel like shit. And the thing is I know exactly what I need to do to fix it and yet I don't. I don't get it. Well there's always suppression. I can pretty much guarantee that by tomorrow I'll feel fine.

rambling

Right now I have this very overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and happiness. I had a very surprising conversation with Celina the other day and it really just was a relief I guess would be the word. In some ways it kind of gave me hope (for lack of a better word), I don't know. Talking to her brought up a lot of things about the past and it really made me realize how much I have changed. I really never gave a shit about anyone, and now I'm always wondering if I have let anyone close to me down or if there is anything I can do to make them feel better or to take some stress off their hands. I don't know, I think the big problem that I have with other people (oddly especially my parents) is that they sometimes expect certain things from me and I really hate disappointing them when I just can't do it. I also hate thinking that people, even the ones that love me, won't except me or some of the choices that I have made. For a person that is feeling happy I'm sure talking a lot about things that I hate. Well anyways I saw Edgar today for the first time in forever. I couldn't talk to him one on one (although we both really wanted to) and i couldn't touch him because of his church rules. But other then that it was really nice to see him. He can always make me laugh. After that I went out with Justin and we just had an hilarious time, which is good because I've really been stressing about the whole college/job issue. I think once I actually get a life I'll be able to enjoy life a lot more. Not having an actual plan is getting scary. I'm really trying to work on my lack of ambition problem.

mom, run, yum, ha.

So my mother has been a crazy as usual and she has gotten up early everyday and has been disappearing for hours on end. yesterday she came home at like 1 in the morning. what a crazy. but anyways it has been good because now justin and i dont have to listen to her bitch. Today we woke up and went for a walk/run at vaughan woods and it was amazing. Plus the weather is perfect.=] i love perfect weather. i also love jumping around in crunchy leafs. ahh so far today has been really good. and hopefully i get to see my maggie tonight. i know later today im going out for burritos with wendy and her new (but not as cool) friends. so yay, i love burritos. I keep thinking of this conversation that i had earlier and it is just making me laugh inside. its very humorous to me. thats really all i can say. before i wasn't exactly sure if the move here was for the better but now i am (HIV) positive it was. haha oh god, i love people sometimes.

.

I kissed your mouth
You do not need me.

The Trip

Last week Camille and I took a little trip up to Canada to pick up Justin and bring him home. Surprisingly we didn't get lost once. Our parents were all anticipating a phone call from us telling them to either come and get us or to figure out where the hell we were but we were good. We stopped off in Vermont and figured out where all of the sexies have been hiding. When we got to Canada we realized that we had booked a hotel in the creepiest part of Montreal. But you know, that is just fine because i love ghetto. The hotel itself was actually respectable for $69 a night. The trip was really just stress free, we woke up everyday and just did what we felt like doing. I also got to prove to Camille and Justin just how much of a light weight I am. That night wasn't very fun for me. I woke up with bruised knuckles, apparently i hit a floor. Justin was driving back from Canada and we had to stop and get gas about an hour and a half into the trip. He decided that we should use my dad's credit card to fill the tank. I thought that was a good idea since we had used up a great deal of our cash. Well my very forgetful brother left the credit card at the gas station and we drove off. Who ever needed gas after us was a mother fucker and spent over $2,000 on the card, on what i don't know. Calling my parents and explaining to them that they had to cancel the card was... difficult. Saying that my mother is a bitch is an understatement. I honestly don't think I have ever met a bigger bitch than my mother. But anyways the credit card thing was resolved and everything is good. Justin is home which i am happy about=]. I missed my brother. Although since he has been back he hasn't really been home. I don't blame him.

you know.

"in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose"